We have a petition. It's from the Assembly Rooms Committee. The Assembly Rooms are our version of a village hall because village hall would be too prosaic a term here in Not Ambridge.
The Assembly Rooms is undergoing a major renovation. They don't have enough money so they are trying to raise some.
The petition is asking for signatures to request that the Parish Council gives the Assembly Rooms committee £6,000.
This sounds reasonable and lots of people are signing.
What the Assembly Rooms Committee haven't told people is that £6,000 is half the Parish Council's budget and that to fund a donation of £6,000 we'd have to put £10 on every one's Council Tax bills.
If that was made clear to people, I wonder how many would be signing?
It was the carnival last week and your correspondent ended up giving two members of the Assembly Rooms Committee a good listening to over the matter.
Such was the power of my oratory that they have published their petition in the Village News (it would be too simple for Not Ambridge to have a Parish Magazine) unchanged. Asks for support in requesting £6,000 from the Parish Council, doesn't mention where that money is going to be coming from.
That's not quite true, there is one change: They still ask the question, "Do you support the Assembly Rooms Committee in asking the Parish Council for £6,000 from this year's budget or its reserves to contribute to the refurbishment of the Assembly Rooms?" only now it is followed by the line, "This is not a petition, it's a questionnaire."
Well if it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck .........................
There'll be tears before bedtime.
Wednesday, July 02, 2008
Thursday, June 05, 2008
Three Post Lane
Here's something that happens all the time in real villages. Including Not Ambridge.
It's the ongoing dismissal of incomers by locals.
When was the last time anybody dismissed an opinion on the grounds, "They weren't born in the village?" If Ambridge reflected real village life, Eddie Grundy's only and constant response to negative comments from Linda Snell would be, "What do you know about it? You're not from round here." Not great radio. Very difficult to develop a plot line when one party constantly repeats a mantra. But it would be real.
Here is Not Ambridge, it happens all the time. One poor resident (of ten years) suffered coruscating abuse because he had the temerity to write to the Parish Council.
Cheek.
Enough background, to the point:
We may not have Glebelands, we may not have Lakey Hill; we do have Three Post Lane.
Not much of a lane. About 30m of unsurfaced, weed encroached, rough, down hill slope. That has a stream running down it in rainy weather.
It also has posts at the top and the bottom.
A few years ago, your correspondent was in conversation with our Derek Fletcher (who in our case was born in the parish, if not the village) regarding the poor state of affairs of the posts. Derek waxed lyrical regarding the historic nature of the lane and that it had always had three posts at the top and three at the bottom. He couldn't explain why it wasn't known as six post lane.
More recently, a local farmer (again born in the parish and not the village (don't scoff, these things matter here)) joined a debate regarding the lane. "Two posts at the top and one at the bottom," he exclaimed. When it was pointed out that there was a view that the lane should have three posts at the top and three at the bottom, there was a hail of abuse at the suggester for not being from around here, for listening to ill-informed opinion and indeed for having the temerity to have an opinion in the first place.
As luck would have it, Derek wandered into this conversation, no doubt attracted by the abuse of a non-local. The timing couldn't have been better. Just as the tirade was drawing to a close (after repeating the arguments two and a half times, just for emphasis) it was pointed out to our abuser, that the source of the 2x three post view was none other than Derek Fletcher.
Stony silence rapidly descended on the group as the incomers (some of 40 or more years standing) watched in rapt glee as the two locals failed to work out anything they could say.
If anyone's interested, three post lane currently has two posts: one at the top and one at the bottom. Nobody has yet dared to bring this up at a Parish Council meeting to see if anything can be done about it.
It's the ongoing dismissal of incomers by locals.
When was the last time anybody dismissed an opinion on the grounds, "They weren't born in the village?" If Ambridge reflected real village life, Eddie Grundy's only and constant response to negative comments from Linda Snell would be, "What do you know about it? You're not from round here." Not great radio. Very difficult to develop a plot line when one party constantly repeats a mantra. But it would be real.
Here is Not Ambridge, it happens all the time. One poor resident (of ten years) suffered coruscating abuse because he had the temerity to write to the Parish Council.
Cheek.
Enough background, to the point:
We may not have Glebelands, we may not have Lakey Hill; we do have Three Post Lane.
Not much of a lane. About 30m of unsurfaced, weed encroached, rough, down hill slope. That has a stream running down it in rainy weather.
It also has posts at the top and the bottom.
A few years ago, your correspondent was in conversation with our Derek Fletcher (who in our case was born in the parish, if not the village) regarding the poor state of affairs of the posts. Derek waxed lyrical regarding the historic nature of the lane and that it had always had three posts at the top and three at the bottom. He couldn't explain why it wasn't known as six post lane.
More recently, a local farmer (again born in the parish and not the village (don't scoff, these things matter here)) joined a debate regarding the lane. "Two posts at the top and one at the bottom," he exclaimed. When it was pointed out that there was a view that the lane should have three posts at the top and three at the bottom, there was a hail of abuse at the suggester for not being from around here, for listening to ill-informed opinion and indeed for having the temerity to have an opinion in the first place.
As luck would have it, Derek wandered into this conversation, no doubt attracted by the abuse of a non-local. The timing couldn't have been better. Just as the tirade was drawing to a close (after repeating the arguments two and a half times, just for emphasis) it was pointed out to our abuser, that the source of the 2x three post view was none other than Derek Fletcher.
Stony silence rapidly descended on the group as the incomers (some of 40 or more years standing) watched in rapt glee as the two locals failed to work out anything they could say.
If anyone's interested, three post lane currently has two posts: one at the top and one at the bottom. Nobody has yet dared to bring this up at a Parish Council meeting to see if anything can be done about it.
Sunday, November 11, 2007
Missing the Boss
This might turn up in the Archers. An old friend and GP finally hung up his stethoscope this week. The cancer finally got him and he died in his wife's arms. It was sooner than anyone expected and nobody was really ready for it.
One of his great loves was the Pub Quiz. He died on Wednesday and all of his old team turned out for the quiz on Thursday.
They won by one point.
Just at the end we discovered the team had called themselves, "Missing the Boss"
Apt. Poinient and apt.
One of his great loves was the Pub Quiz. He died on Wednesday and all of his old team turned out for the quiz on Thursday.
They won by one point.
Just at the end we discovered the team had called themselves, "Missing the Boss"
Apt. Poinient and apt.
Thursday, October 11, 2007
Suicide Bombers
Put this in The Archers! Please put this in The Archers! This will never get out of the real world of Not Ambridge and into it's fictional counterpart: it is too funny and much too politically incorrect.
V (mid-sixties, builder, triple by-pass, two new hips) had some heart palpitations. His cardiac consultant put him on a heart monitor (or more correctly had a heart monitor put on him.) This device, about the size of the original Walkman, is attached to a belt and fastened against the skin around the waist. Various leads protrude from the device which are attached to pads attached to various parts of V's thorax.
In the pub there is much questioning and banter regarding this. V, who remains mute for about 5 minutes, suddenly walks into the middle of the pub, pulls up his jumper to reveal box, belt and leads and announces,
"Me and Osama are best mates. It is time that the decadent West is brought to understand the importance of right and holy living. We are bringing Holy War to the infidel and we're starting here in Not Ambridge."
Priceless. Not for broadcast I think.
V (mid-sixties, builder, triple by-pass, two new hips) had some heart palpitations. His cardiac consultant put him on a heart monitor (or more correctly had a heart monitor put on him.) This device, about the size of the original Walkman, is attached to a belt and fastened against the skin around the waist. Various leads protrude from the device which are attached to pads attached to various parts of V's thorax.
In the pub there is much questioning and banter regarding this. V, who remains mute for about 5 minutes, suddenly walks into the middle of the pub, pulls up his jumper to reveal box, belt and leads and announces,
"Me and Osama are best mates. It is time that the decadent West is brought to understand the importance of right and holy living. We are bringing Holy War to the infidel and we're starting here in Not Ambridge."
Priceless. Not for broadcast I think.
Friday, September 14, 2007
Humour II
Unintentional this time. A teenager I know was wailing over the uncertainties of life. One of his parents responded with the old saw, "The only certainties in this world are death and taxes."
There was rather a long pause before the teenager enquired, " Are you really telling me that before you die, everybody, and I mean everybody in the world, will take a taxi?"
We haven't stopped laughing yet.
Come on Ambridge! Reflect village life and put some humour in.
There was rather a long pause before the teenager enquired, " Are you really telling me that before you die, everybody, and I mean everybody in the world, will take a taxi?"
We haven't stopped laughing yet.
Come on Ambridge! Reflect village life and put some humour in.
Humour
Why isn't The Archers funny? It doesn't do a great job of either intentional or unintentional humour. Unlike Not Ambridge. We have an electrician's mate. Since there aren't any of those in The Archers, let's call him EM. EM is sitting in the pub one evening, when one of the locals saunters in and in his way announces that Tiger Woods is the greatest golfer the world has ever seen. Without missing a beat, EM declares that he thinks Tiger Woods is the saddest man he's ever heard of.
The incoming local incredulously enquires as to how EM could reach such a ridiculous conclusion.
With the attention of the whole pub on him, EM calmly, and with perfect timing replies,
"He doesn't have a hobby."
The incoming local incredulously enquires as to how EM could reach such a ridiculous conclusion.
With the attention of the whole pub on him, EM calmly, and with perfect timing replies,
"He doesn't have a hobby."
Friday, September 07, 2007
Funny Professions
Why are there no people with funny jobs in the Archers? Here in Not Ambridge we have a husband and wife who are both forensic scientists. She does murders, he does drugs.
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